Revelations, Book Of
by Serrafina
Summary: The Colonial Fleet found Earth. And it sucked. Crack!fic. Crossover with the Bible.


Title: Revelations, Book of

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.

Spoilers: Massive spoilers for Revelations.

Characters/Pairings: Ensemble, mostly gen, some hints at Adama/Roslin and gratuitous Kara/Lee.

Note: This fic is not meant to be taken seriously at all. It is not betaed. THIS IS CRACKFIC.

Note 2: I mean no offense or disrespect with any of this. But if you are bothered by the thought of certain biblical things appearing in crackfic, it would probably be best if you read no further.

* * *

The Colonial Fleet found Earth. They sent a small group down to investigate: representatives of humans and Cylons alike. The Admiral was there, even though he was having a crisis. The President was there, even though the prophecy she'd believed in wholeheartedly said she really should be dead by now. The not-quite-President was there too, even though nobody really knew what was going on with him. Who else was there? Kara Thrace (the whatever-she-was), Three, Six (including the pregnant one), Leoben, and the Final Four. Helo and Sharon for whatever reason. Even Baltar was there. Nobody knew why; he'd snuck on the Raptor in his Orange Blanket o' Stealth and nobody had noticed until it was too late.

Basically, the whole cast was there for one dramatic shoot before the mid season hiatus. So they found Earth. And it sucked.

They were depressed.

After wandering around the creepy ruins (including what looked like a kinda greenish head poking out of the ground, with some weird spiky hat and a torch) they got back in the Raptors and went to check out the rest of the planet. Just in case, y'all.

They set down for the second time almost halfway around the globe. A little south and a lot east, this place was in much the same shape, only it was hotter and drier and the ruins were shorter.

They were still depressed, but they decided to stick around for awhile. Just to see if anything happened. And mostly because nobody wanted to go back up to the Fleet and break the bad news.

The Admiral clung to Laura while everyone else set up tents. His son struggled to not stare at them—he couldn't get the image of the drool out of his mind. That was something nobody ever wanted to think about their father doing. So instead, Lee avoided looking at his father and went to find Kara.

Kara was avoiding thinking about her Cylon husband. Because he was a Cylon. And she might be too. So as the sun went down and everyone else went to sleep (or at least pretend to sleep) she lit a fire. It was all very symbolic.

Then Lee showed up, and they angsted for a bit before having hot sex by the fire (literally, hot).

So that was the first day. On the second day, people were still depressed but they huddled up in groups to talk about what to do. Mostly they argued. Leoben was sulking and kept muttering about rivers of whatever putting out the 'flames of passion.'

Kara was mysteriously absent. In a move that was totally unrelated, the former interim President went to do some reconnaissance.

"So that's what they're calling it these days," Helo snarked, quite snarkily. Tyrol laughed, and Sam looked freaked out.

The elder Adama and the real President were also mysteriously absent, but no one really wanted to dwell on that.

The Cylons just chilled. Gaius Baltar felt left out and decided that he missed Head!Six. Or the groupies.

The missing members of the Colonial Fleet turned up that night (probably just because they got cold without the supplies). But on the third day...on the third day...

The Final Four heard the song they hadn't heard since finding Earth...the song that they were all beginning to hate, as it was clearly just a cover. And they unanimously hated posers. But they heard it anyway (can't stop the signal, yo) and got off their lazy asses to go follow it to wherever it might lead. Because that had turned out so well last time.

This time, it didn't lead them to an empty compartment or a mysterious Viper or a decimated planet. This time, it led them to a rock.

"It's a rock," said Galen. Then he started to laugh.

"Not just any rock," said Saul. "It's a big frakkin' rock." And it was a big frakkin' rock.

Tory was bored. She went and leaned against the rock. She yelped when the rock suddenly moved and she fell back onto her ass. Tigh laughed. So did Tyrol. Sam, being the nice guy that he was, went and offered her a hand up, but froze when a man suddenly appeared behind her. Behind her, from the rock, which was apparently not so much a rock as a cave.

The man yawned, eyes squeezed shut against the bright sunlight, and stretched his arms above his head. Then he blinked at the four of them. They blinked back at him.

"You're from Earth!" one of them said.

"In a way," he replied. Then he looked at the now open cave entrance. "So it's that time, then, is it? Final days and all. Finally. I've been waiting _ages_ in this cave."

He stepped out into the light and then they all heard the song.

A short time later, the Four Plus One made their way back to the base camp. Cylons and humans alike stood in awe as they arrived. They quickly demanded to know who was this strange man, was he from Earth, where had they found him, how was he alive, what happened to Earth... The man in the plain brown robes just waited patiently for them to finish. He calmly examined his body, since he hadn't walked in the corporeal world for awhile. Robes, sandles, hair and beard, check. His hands were paler than he remembered, but he had been in the dark for thousands of years, so he supposed that was to be expected. Damn, he hoped these people had invented suntan lotion.

When they finally ran out of questions, he looked up and spoke. He told them his name, and the story of his first life, of his first death, and of his message of peace and love. He spoke of his mother, and Father too, and how the people of Earth ("The Thirteenth Tribe," the one called Roslin insisted, and he just shrugged) had not been ready for the word of God. He noticed that some members of the group shifted uncomfortably at this. He spoke of how they hadn't been ready, and so he had left this world, but finally the time had come.

"For what?" they asked.

"For my resurrection," he said. They started muttering things like "Final Cylon" at that.

The Four who had found him asked what was to come of them now.

"Now, it is time for Heaven on Earth!"

They looked nonplussed. Some of them looked angry. "On this piece of shit?" the angry blonde one growled.

"Jesus Christ," a small, weaselly-looking man shouted, "you stole my look!"

The End


End file.
